5 Ways to wipe your butt, when this happens to you.

5 Ways to wipe your butt, when this happens to you.

There are very few situations in life that have ever caused me to lose my cool. I am quite proud of the fact that I can keep a level head when everyone else is stumbling around in a blind panic. However, there is one scenario that for some reason completely fills me with dread – discovering there is no toilet paper left while sitting on the toilet. It may be the embarrassment of having to call for help. Or, perhaps it’s the prospect of trundling around the house, looking for substitute toilet paper with my pants around my ankles that causes me such discomfort. I really don’t know. What I do know is, I don’t like it, and I go to great lengths to ensure that it never happens.

You know you’ve been there. Of course, all you have to do is waddle around the house until you find some more toilet paper or at least some paper towels. But what if you don’t have any more? What would you do then?

This is why it’s important to store plenty of toilet paper. But that’s not enough. What if the crisis lasts a long time and you run out? What if you have to abandon your home? What if your toilet paper is destroyed by flood or fire? In case that happens, you’ll need to consider some substitutes for toilet paper.

1. Paper

We’ll get the most obvious one out of the way first. If you don’t have any toilet paper, just use another kind of paper. Paper towels, newspapers, phone books, notebook paper, printer paper, envelopes, etc. Look around the house and see what you can find. (By the way, most magazines don’t work very well because of the gloss coating.) Some people have suggested using books, but I have too much respect for books to recommend that. Maybe as a last resort, but first look for other options. This article contains instructions on how to make toilet paper out of paper you find around the house.

2. Wipes

Before you start yanking paper out of your printer, wrack your brain and make sure you don’t have any wet wipes or baby wipes in the house. If you do, they make great toilet paper.

3. Kleenex

Again, this is just a reminder. I’d hate for you to be tearing up newspapers only to later realize there’s a perfectly good box of Kleenex on the bathroom counter. However, you might have to use several of them since they’re so thin.

4. Sponge

These were used in Roman times. When the people finished, they would wash the sponge with water and vinegar so they could reuse it later. But even if you do this, damp sponges are still breeding grounds for bacteria. If you go this route, you’ll need to either boil the sponge or soak it in bleach water before rinsing it out and using it again.

5. Water

In many countries toilet paper is unheard of, and instead people wash themselves with water. To do this, use a plastic cup or other pouring device. Fill it with warm water, pour it into your cupped left hand, and do the necessary cleaning. Obviously you’ll want to wash your hands thoroughly when you’re done. You could also use an irrigation bottle so you can spray the area clean without having to touch it as much.